LOOK WHAT I FOUND: A letter I wrote for Everyone (2006)

After being diagnosed with leukemia in 2005, I created a blog in 'Xanga' which I intended to use as my online medical journal. I have wanted to write about my experiences, my thoughts and help other leukemia patients and their families by being a source of information and support.

I have failed to make regular posts because I was almost always in the hospital and there was no mobile internet tools yet back then. Somehow, I felt I failed in my objective. Thank you notes and general updates were the most that I could do. I'd rather spend all my time with my family especially my son who's barely a year old then - since I was not guaranteed of a 'tomorrow'.

Anyway, I'd just like to share my old blog entry posted in Xanga/reposted  in  Multiply and Blogspot accts. (June 2006). Here goes:

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Hi everybody!!!

I just turned 23 last XXX…and it’s been 73 days today, after my transplant. Everything seems to be progressively getting better. But just like any other cancer, you’ll just hope for the best. 

Two weeks ago, I went to see my doctor for a check-up. When I came in the room, my doctor told me that she was telling “my story” to the girl/patient that was ahead of me in line. My doctor said, “Sabi ko sa kanya, tingnan mo siya ok naman, pero akala namin noon kung ano na ang mangyayari sa kanya…Haha, eh ikaw kasi, expert na sa mga ganyan, haha…” And to be very honest, it hit me…Wow, role model? Hindi ata bagay…My struggle with leukemia was not very exemplary at isa pa, I was not even a resolute believer. I was about to contest, pero idinaan ko na lang sa tawa.

You see, for most people it somehow appeared that I am a very strong person, fighting with leukemia, never giving up, always ready to cheer up people when they are the ones losing hope…never seeing me break down and cry…the “healthy” physique and smiley attitude might have worked well…..magaling ata ako um-acting…

Most people do not see that there are plenty of times when you have nothing to do to make you pre-occupied, that you are left alone to think of the things that are happening to you…I guess it is but normal to cry, to ask questions, rationalize things, try to plan ahead even if you really can’t and think of the million things that you want to do to make up for the lost times…

So bakit ko sinasabi lahat ito? Not to whine or make others know how miserable my life is right now…Not to make others feel guilty of the lives they’ve been living…It is to make people understand that most people know how it is to ideally attack the situation (ex. getting sick) and expect that that “ideal” reaction would be easy to do…but is sometimes hard to consistently achieve…

I know it would be very difficult for anyone in my situation to get through with everything simply…But in my case, I am very grateful that I have most if not all of the things that I need to pass this ordeal…From the biggest to even the smallest and the simplest things that has been done, given and thought of for me……Thank you…

There will never be enough thanks to my family, relatives, friends, acquaintances, friends of my parents, brothers and sister, friends of my friends, nuns & priests and even strangers I sat with somewhere out there who wished me well and said that there’s always sunshine after the rain.

It is hard but getting this far means a great deal…and I know that I am not completely strong and hopeful enough to make it without all the other strong and hopeful people around me…The love, support and encouragement you’ve been giving is very overwhelming…

Thank you…

Thank you for the second life …

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Drama much? LOL. I hope I can be an inspiration to other leukemia and cancer patients. There's hope. Never give in.

Hugs,